Insane Things Found In Human Asses

[Obligatory salad-tossing joke]

An anonymous male individual (can't imagine why this stallion would want to remain nameless) took a trip to the emergency room after a particularly gruesome vibrator and salad tongs incident which I'm sure everyone learns during their first day of medical school.

The gentleman in question shoved a vibrator up his rectum, and was to ashamed to go to the emergency room because he's human. Naturally, the next step was to try and correct the problem himself by fishing the vibrator out with his best salad tongs... and failing.

Important question: was he planning on just washing them and still using them moving forward?

After this humiliation, the man finally turned himself over to medical professionals, and they were able to extract both the tongs and the vibrator, for a small fee tens of thousands of painful, life-ruining dollars.


Margaret Daalman, a Netherlands native (of course,) was admitted to the hospital with searing stomach pains, and her X-ray showed that the problem was probably either a giant squid eating her insides, a sideways Bart Simpson head, a mutated pineapple, a facehugger alien or, rather, an entire set of forks and spoons (nearly 78 utensils total) that she swallowed.

Why did she eat them instead of use them to eat food? Who the f*ck knows, or cares really. I personally am much more interested in that sweet squid X-ray, even though I know it's a lie. But, I guess if you're interested in what is wrong with the woman: the operating surgeons and attending medical professionals on the case theorized that the Daalman was suffering from pica, a disorder that is rare among pregnant women that causes them to crave non food items. Sufferers often consume dirt, metal, trash and, most likely, McDonald's.

An entire. F*cking. Set. Kinda brings a whole new light to "hide the silverware."


People in their early twenties are generally not the best rational decision makers, but this homosexual couple took it to a whole new level.

During a particularly heated moment in their lovemaking, the patient's boyfriend poured enema fluid mixed with concrete mix into his lover's rectum, and the stuff hardened and nearly ruptured some crucial butt-anatomy (which is doctor talk for the stuff in your butt.)

He explained to the admitting doctors that he had laid flat on the ground and lifted his legs up at a 45 degree angle (feel free to try it), and allowed his lover to pour the mix into his rectum through a funnel -- which every self-respecting American has in their sex kit.)

The mass had to be surgically removed, but, luckily, the patient's boyfriend stayed with him through the entire procedure. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, but is maybe not so effective in the form of enema liquid -- especially when it's mixed with concrete mix, that is unless you're building a parking lot.


A 39 year old lawyer was recently admitted to a university teaching hospital because he shoved a ladies perfume bottle so far up his rectum that he couldn't remove it himself, even though he had been able to remove it on previous occasions (we've all been there, though, haven't we?)

The perfume was called "Impulse Body Spay," which actually seems to have worked on this lawyer. The bottle measured 3 cm by 17 cm, and emergency room doctors had to sedate the man with spinal anesthetic and remove the "rectal foreign body" (yes, that's what it's called in medical terms) with their bare (sterilized, gloved) hands.

The man's rectum swelled up like a happy birthday balloon at the supermarket, but eventually the procedure finished with flying colors.

He was offered, but later refused psychological counseling after the incident. The picture on the left shows the man's perfume filled rectum, while the picture on the right is of a man who shoved a dildo up there. A 20 cm by 4 cm dildo. That's like a 7.8 inch penis. The average is 6 inches. This man had an entire bottle in his rectum larger than most male penises.


This 60 year old man claims that "thieves" shoved the entire Coca-cola bottle in his anus (insert breaking and entering joke here) showing us that sometimes, when people tell you exactly whereto shove something that sometimes, just sometimes, they mean it (and are willing to help.)

He was constipated for days, probably because the entire bottle of Coca-cola was kind of in the way, and was eventually admitted to the hospital.

Medical records indicate that the doctors had to use a number of tools to get that refreshing beverage out of there, including extra long forceps and some sort of creepy vacuum from hell. No bomb squad was called for this incident, despite how shaken up the Coke was (about the whole thing.)